


hold on to the memories (i will hold on to you)

by binchmarner



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Post-Trade, Tyson Jost as Voice of Reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 10:47:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20487632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/binchmarner/pseuds/binchmarner
Summary: Alexander helps JT move into his new apartment. Upon unboxing the items he brought, he also opens up about some of his feelings, too.





	hold on to the memories (i will hold on to you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [somehowunbroken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/somehowunbroken/gifts).

> so, JT posted [this photo](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EDZuo6CXYAE5uo4?format=jpg&name=medium) on his story, and i just had to write a thing and well. this is what came of it.
> 
> thank u to chuck for telling me that you can taste la croix flavors.
> 
> song title based off of taylor swift's ["new year's day."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkvTYrFIxNM%22)

JT’s not looking forward to preseason. He’s not looking forward to training camp, and he’s not looking forward to the season starting. 

He has to move into his new apartment alone. It’s going to be incredibly lonely, even though his best friend is right next door. 

But the worst part is that Alexander is across the country.

It’s weird, when he thinks about it. It’s a job, it’s just a job. He knows this, he’s been saying this since July 1st, like it’ll make a difference once he skates on the ice for training camp and Alexander isn’t there.

Alexander was weirdly okay with it when it happened, as far as he knows. He’s older, he knows how to deal with it, probably. It’s something that comes with age, something JT hasn’t gotten ahold of, even though he’s only eight months younger than him. 

Alexander had moved out at the beginning of the summer while JT was in Hawaii. Tyson had texted him, told him to stay with his family. That he deserves a break after the end of the season. 

So because Alexander was traded, JT’s moving. There’s no real reason to stay in Boulder, JT knows. It’s a hipster town that JT always hated, and he hates it more now that Alexander’s gone.

Everything comes back to Alexander.

Everything always comes back to Alexander, funnily enough.

They’d kept up a steady stream of texts throughout the summer, but it felt stilted. Because things had changed and they’re not the _best mates_ anymore. They’re friends, ex-roommates, and they’re…

JT doesn’t like to think about it, the feelings that he definitely has. The feelings that he wants to talk about so badly, but never had the courage to even bring up to anyone besides Tyson.

There were times he was really close, like after winning the Calgary series, while the Avs had a boys weekend in Vegas while Tyson was in Slovakia for Worlds. While they were sitting next to each other at Landy’s wedding, and Alexander was pretending like he wasn’t crying while Gabe said his vows to Mel. When Alexander had dragged him on the dance floor while Whitney Houston’s _I Wanna Dance with Somebody_ played.

All this to say, JT’s been feeling like this for a while, and he was going to get the courage to tell Alexander and then… Toronto happened.

\---

Packing up his room is going fine, just boxes of clothes and books he’d promised himself he’d read. He picks up yet another shirt from the drawer that could be Tyson’s, could be Alexander’s. JT looks closer and sees that it’s a Harvard hockey shirt, a deep red, soft shirt with Alexander’s number on the corner.

Alexander had given it to him when he’d forgotten a shirt to sleep in while they were in Calgary.

_“This is yours, though,” JT had said, staring at the shirt in his hands._

_“Just wear it for a while, we can’t have you getting sick when we’re so close to winning this series,” Alexander had said, smiling at him sleepily. “Go to bed. You can give it back when we get home.”_

Home.

JT drops the shirt and picks up his phone. He takes a photo of it to send to Alexander.

**To kerf:** i think you forgot something in boulder.

It takes a moment for Alexander to answer, but JT smiles when he does.

**From kerf:** keep it.  
Think of it as a good luck charm.  
It fit you better anyway :)

“Hey,” Tyson says, poking his head in the doorway of JT’s room. “You need anything?”

JT doesn’t say anything, can’t bring himself to say anything. He shakes his head, and puts a smile on his face. He folds the shirt and puts it in the box of clothes. It’d be dumb to immediately change into the shirt, no matter how much he wants to. He’s just homesick for a person who’s not even his.

“A ticket to Toronto?” JT says, laughing sort of wetly. “The ability to teleport?”

“What happened?” Tyson asks, sitting on JT’s bed. JT sighs and walks over to him, laying down on the bed.

“Why did Alexander have to get traded?” JT asks, his voice quiet. “Like, I know he’s not dead, he’s just in Toronto, and we’re going to see him in a month or two, but.”

“You’re allowed to miss your friend,” Tyson says, laying down. JT’s eyes are shut tight for fear that if he opens them, tears will come. He doesn’t like crying, he doesn’t like the feeling of losing control of his breath, and he _really_ doesn’t like crying in front of people, but if he opens his eyes and Alexander isn’t there, it’s what’ll happen.

“He’s _fine,_” JT says as calm as he can. “He’s just in Toronto.”

“Have you spoken to him?” Tyson asks, and JT knows he doesn’t mean friendly conversation, but it doesn’t stop him from veering away from saying he hasn’t told Alexander how he feels.

“Oh definitely,” JT says. “Our snap streak just hit 420.”

“Nice,” Tyson says. “I’m being serious.”

“Yeah, he just gave me one of his shirts,” JT says. “Probably a superstition thing.”

“Really? A superstition thing? Alexander?” Tyson asks flatly. 

“He gave it to me in Calgary because I forgot to pack something to sleep in. I guess I just never gave it back to him,” JT shrugs. He opens his eyes and turns his head to see Tyson smiling at him. “He said it fit me better anyway.” JT shrugs.

“Yeah, that’s a definite superstition thing,” Tyson chirps, pulling JT close when he rolls his eyes. “Hey, no, come here.”

JT takes another breath and leans into Tyson’s chest, letting him guide his breaths from stilted to deep and slow. “Why won’t you talk to him?” Tyson asks.

“I talk to him all the time, I just don’t want to start a conversation that won’t be finished because he’ll be across the country for three quarters of the year,” JT mumbles. 

“Is he not worth it?” Tyson asks. 

JT cringes, because of _course_ he’s worth it. He’s worth being happy and being loved and he’s worthy of finding someone and getting married. The idea of losing him because the distance is too much, or not what they’d anticipated, on the off _off_ chance that Alexander even feels the same as he does.

It’s scary, and not in the good way, not in the “I’m doing the right thing” way. It’s scary in the “lock it in a box and never think about it again” way.

“He is. But he deserves someone all the time, not just some of the time,” JT says. 

“And you’re not an _all of the time_ person?” Tyson asks, rubbing his hand up and down JT’s back. “I think you’re selling yourself short, Jay.”

“I don’t know. But he doesn’t need someone in Denver while he’s in Toronto.” JT says. “That’s just the truth.”

Tyson doesn’t say anything for a little while, and they fall asleep like that, JT curled into Tyson. It’s something he needed, whether he wanted it or not.

\---

They finish packing up the apartment the next day, which is good, because the keys need to be at the office by 3. JT puts the last box in his apartment, and he sighs. 

It’s quiet. He knows that Tyson is next door, and Nate’s sort of nearby, because they’ve actually moved into the city of Denver. They’re in a relatively private apartment complex so no one has stopped them for an autograph, but it’s still different from the anonymity that they had in Boulder.

The movers had come the day before to drop off the furniture, and he’d gone to the store to pick up essentials that had been divided three ways, so he has everything he needs in the apartment at the moment. Of course, there will be something he’s absolutely forgetting to have––oh shit, laundry detergent––and he’ll have to make a trip to Target. 

JT surveys his apartment that’s littered with boxes––he can definitely put together his bed and his entertainment center before he has to figure out something for dinner. 

He puts together a postmates for Kneaders because he doesn’t even want to think about putting something together right now––he’s been craving a turkey bacon avocado sandwich––and gets to work unboxing the bed frame. He’s halfway through putting together the first leg of the frame when he hears a knock at the door.

JT sets down the screwdriver and stands up, stretching––sitting on the floor bent over an instruction manual is probably not the best for his back. He’d put the order in ten minutes ago, he’s going to have to tip this guy a _lot_ for getting his food so soon. He walks to the door and opens it, and––

“I heard you needed help moving in,” Alexander says. He has a case of La Croix in one hand––fucking hipster––and a shy smile on his face, and JT’s never been so happy to see someone in his life.

“I… you?” JT says, and he’s smiling so _wide_. “You’re in Toronto.”

“Tyson called me.” Alexander flushes. “I flew over as soon as I could. I’m sorry I missed moving the boxes in.”

JT hugs him tightly. “It’s fine,” he says. “Thank you for coming over.”

Alexander hugs back as tight as he can with one arm, grounding him to the world with his voice, the pressure of the hug, the entire fact that he’s _here._ “Of course. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

JT isn’t going to cry, he’s not going to, but he just––

He _missed_ his friend. 

“I wanna see your apartment, come on,” Alexander chuckles, squeezing him one last time before he lets go. JT grins and pulls back.

“Welcome in. I really, really like it,” Jt says, opening the door wider so Alexander can walk in. 

The apartment is honestly gorgeous. It’s everything he’d wanted in a space for himself. Big enough to live in, but not too big to be too lonely. It has a spacious living room to host team bonding outings that Gabe makes them do, but it also has a big kitchen with an island to prepare food. 

“Learning to cook finally?” Alexander teases, setting down the box. 

“Hopefully. I can only burn easy mac for so long,” JT grins. “Come on, I need help with the bed frame.”

They sit on the floor of JT’s bedroom, and figure out how to put together the last of the frame and make the bed. JT gets to work on putting away his clothes and putting everything in his bedside table while Alexander puts together the entertainment center in the other room. 

The food comes in the allotted 45 minutes later than they said it’d take. Which is fine, because by the time it comes, JT’s sitting on the couch with Alexander, laughing at a story Alexander’s telling.

“No I’m serious!” Alexander says, taking a bite of the sandwich. “I thought you hated me when we first met.”

“A lot of people think that I don’t like them. You’re just one of the few people I wanted to warm up to,” JT says, tucking his toes under Alexander’s thigh. Alexander smiles, the top of his cheeks turning pink.

“Well, good,” Alexander says, holding JT’s ankle, tracing the pad of his thumb over his ankle bone. “I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Alexander,” JT says, shrugging. “You’re you.”

“Even drunk?” Alexander grins.

“Even drunk and ranting about economic statistics that I don’t understand,” JT says. “You just sound like a nerd.”

“A nerd, really?” Alexander says, and it looks like he’s trying to bite back a smile. “I would hope at least a cool nerd.”

“You’ve contradicted yourself, sorry.” JT grins. “You’ll always be a Harvard nerd.”

Alexander laughs, and JT wants to kiss him so much that it hurts. “Well, if that’s the worst I am in your eyes, I think I can live with that,” he says, smiling at him.

It feels right, just the two of them reminiscing on stupid things they did as new rookies. The conversation falls to a lull and JT thinks about what Tyson had told him the night before.

_Just tell him._

“Why are you here?” JT asks, his voice soft. As soon as he says it, he wants to take it back. 

“Tyson said I needed to come talk to you,” Alexander says, and turns to JT. “He says I haven’t been doing this right, and that I should get my shit together.”

“Your… excuse me?” JT asks, sitting up. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’ve been trying to bring up something before we lost. Before Vegas, before Valentine’s Day,” Alexander says. 

“If it’s that I’m too much, I can back off,” JT says, pulling back. He doesn’t have a single good feeling about where this conversation is going and he’d really rather not have it at all, thank you very much. 

“JT, you’re never too much,” Alexander says. “You’re––god, I don’t even know where to begin. You’re my best friend, and it’s really hard having been away from you this summer.”

“I know how that feels,” JT says. “It sucked. It sucks that you’re not coming back here for the season. It sucks that you’re not my teammate and my roommate anymore. And it sucks that we won’t be holding the Cup above our heads and––”

JT’s words are cut off by Alexander’s lips pressed against his. It’s not a deep kiss by any means, though it’s an efficient way to shut JT up. He makes a noise, kissing back before he makes Alexander think he doesn’t want this, and brings his hand up to cup Alexander’s cheek.

Alexander pulls back after a moment, his lips are pink and shiny and JT’s heart probably can get straight 10s on the board in a gymnastics competition with how it’s flipping over and over. 

“Um,” is all JT can say, because _wow_ would be stupid and cheesy even though… _wow._ Kissing Alexander is better than he ever thought it’d be. 

“I like you, JT,” Alexander says. “I really, really like you. I probably should have said that instead of kissing you, but. I really like you. Tyson told me that you were upset and that I should talk to you and I just––”

JT leans in and kisses him, slow and sweet. Alexander threads his fingers through the hair at the nape of JT’s neck and it’s so _much._ “I know,” JT says, his heart full. “I thought you deserved perfection, someone you can have all the time, and not twice during the season and some of the offseason.”

Alexander leans his forehead against JT’s. “You’re all the perfection I want.”

JT smiles, closing his eyes. “That was cheesy.” 

“Yeah, I guess it was,” Alexander laughs. 

“I don’t want you to become a stranger, and I don’t want you to feel tied down to a long distance relationship. It’s difficult to maintain those,” JT says.

“JT,” Alexander says. “I want whatever you want, and if you want to be in a relationship, I’d really like that.”

JT smiles. “Then yeah. I really want that.”

Alexander grins and kisses him again, deeper this time. JT can barely suppress a shiver when Alexander swipes his tongue across JT’s lower lip. JT lets out a noise when Alexander moves to let him lay down. Alexander hums and sits on JT’s hips, and laughs when JT looks up at him wide eyed.

“We don’t have to do anything right now, nothing that you’re uncomfortable with. I have a hotel room for the rest of the week,” Alexander says, running his hand through JT’s hair. 

“No, it’s not that.” JT flushes. “It’s that––this couch is new.”

Alexander laughs. “Of course. Let’s get to your bed.”

JT grins and lets Alexander guide him to his bedroom. It’s a nice feeling, if he’s being honest. Alexander walks into his space once they close the door to his bedroom and presses him against the door. “Hi.” Alexander smiles.

“Hey,” JT says, and his face is probably flushed beyond compare, but Alexander is smiling at him like he’s the only thing that matters right now and it’s just––

It’s nice.

Alexander leans up and presses his lips to JT’s, and he lets himself melt into the kiss. He tastes like avocados and cran-raspberry La Croix and his stubble scratches against JT’s skin. JT’s sort of drunk off of it, and not at all surprised it doesn’t take long at all to become addicted to Alexander’s kisses.

It didn’t take long for him to fall in love with everything else.

Alexander pushes his thigh between JT’s leg and kisses a line down JT’s neck. It sends a wave of arousal through him, and he gasps as he rocks down on Alexander’s thigh. 

“I want to fuck you,” Alexander says, and chuckles when JT makes a noise. “Is that alright?”

“Fuck,” JT whines, gripping Alexander’s shoulder. “Please.”

“Then we should probably get to the bed,” Alexander grins.

And that, he definitely can do.

\---

JT wakes up with the sun shining through the window.

_Note to self,_ JT thinks. _Buy curtains._

He looks around and smiles. His room has boxes stacked and crowded up against the wall. Nothing’s up on the walls yet, and everything's kind of a mess, but when he rolls over to see Alexander sleeping soundly next to him, he feels like he’s––

Home.

A rush of pride fills him when he sees the mark on Alexander’s collarbone. It’ll fade before training camp starts, and even if it doesn’t, Toronto’s media is just shitty enough that he doesn’t have to worry about accidentally seeing a shirtless photo of Alexander in the locker room.

Alexander groans, turning his head to bury it more into the pillow. “You need curtains,” he mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

“I know,” JT smiles, moving closer to Alexander and curling into him. 

Alexander does open his eyes at that, winding his arms around JT. “Well, good morning.”

“G’morning,” JT mumbles. “If you want, we can go shopping later for stuff to make this more of a home.”

“Yeah?” Alexander says, his voice raspy from sleep. JT nods, his chest warming as Alexander holds onto him a little tighter.

“I need to go anyway and it’s fun to have help,” JT says. “Give you something to look forward to when you come back to Denver.”

Alexander hums. “I think we can make that happen. We can go to breakfast too, make a whole day out of it.”

JT presses a kiss to Alexander’s collarbone, and pulls the covers up. “Though we should probably sleep more,” he says. 

“I think we can make that happen,” Alexander says. 

Yeah. They definitely can.

**Author's Note:**

> if you don't think tyson called alexander saying "i don't know if you think your version of wooing jt is going well but it's not. get ur shit together and come here or i _will_ fly to toronto and slap u." youre wrong sorry

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Hold On To The Memories (I Will Hold On To You)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21632590) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)


End file.
